Don’t Say “I Do” Until You’ve Checked These 9 HUGE Things!
So, you’re thinking about getting married? Congratulations! That’s a massive, exciting step. But before you walk down the aisle and say “I do,” there are some super important things you and your future spouse need to talk about and figure out. Think of it like this: you wouldn’t buy a car without checking the engine, right? Marriage is even bigger than a car!
This article will cover 9 crucial things to consider before tying the knot, helping you build a strong and happy foundation for your future together. Let’s dive in!
1. Money, Money, Money: The Financial Talk
Money can be a HUGE source of stress in any relationship, especially marriage. It’s not just about how much you each earn; it’s about your attitudes towards spending, saving, and debt.
Understanding Each Other’s Financial Habits
Spending Habits: Are you a saver or a spender? Does your partner impulse buy or carefully budget? Knowing this is key.
Debt: Student loans, credit card debt, car loans – talk about it ALL. How will you manage it together?
Budgeting: How will you handle household expenses? Joint account? Separate accounts? Who pays for what?
Financial Goals: Do you want to buy a house? Travel the world? Retire early? Make sure your goals align.
Why it Matters: Financial disagreements are a leading cause of divorce. Being open and honest about money from the start can prevent a lot of headaches down the road.
Actionable Tip: Sit down together and create a sample budget. Use online tools or apps to track your spending for a month and see where your money is actually going. This will give you a realistic picture of your financial habits. Consider consulting a financial advisor (this is often suggested by marriage counselors as well). You can find certified financial planners through the Certified Financial Planner Board of Standards website (www.cfp.net).
2. Family Matters: Getting on the Same Page
Your families will become more intertwined once you’re married. It’s essential to understand each other’s family dynamics and expectations.
Navigating Family Relationships
Boundaries: How involved will your families be in your lives? Where do you draw the line?
Traditions: What family traditions are important to each of you? How will you incorporate them into your married life?
Holidays: Who spends Christmas with whom? Plan these things out, so there are no surprises and hurt feelings.
Parental Expectations: Do your parents expect you to live close by? Provide financial support? Understand these expectations.
Why it Matters: Family issues can cause friction in a marriage. Setting clear boundaries and understanding each other’s family dynamics can prevent a lot of conflict.
Actionable Tip: Have open conversations with your partner about your families. Share stories, explain your family’s values, and discuss any potential challenges. Consider spending quality time with each other’s families before the wedding to get a better feel for the dynamics.
3. The Big One: Kids (Or No Kids?)
This is a non-negotiable conversation. You absolutely MUST be on the same page about whether or not you want children.
Discussing Your Family Plans
Do you want kids? Yes, No, Maybe? This is the BIG question.
How many kids? One? Five? Find common ground.
When do you want kids? Now? In five years? Later in life?
Parenting Styles: How do you envision raising your children? Discipline? Education? Values?
Why it Matters: Differing opinions on children can be a deal-breaker. It’s crucial to have this conversation early on and be honest about your desires.
Actionable Tip: Talk openly and honestly about your feelings on having children. If you disagree, consider seeking counseling to explore your options and find a compromise. Don’t assume your partner will change their mind.
4. Communication is Key: Learning to Talk (and Listen!)
Good communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, especially marriage.
Mastering Communication Skills
Active Listening: Really listen to what your partner is saying, without interrupting or judging.
Expressing Feelings: Be able to express your emotions clearly and respectfully.
Conflict Resolution: How do you handle disagreements? Do you yell? Shut down? Learn healthy ways to resolve conflicts.
Honesty and Transparency: Be honest with each other, even when it’s difficult.
Why it Matters: Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and ultimately, relationship breakdown.
Actionable Tip: Practice active listening. When your partner is talking, focus on what they’re saying, not on what you want to say next. Use “I” statements to express your feelings (e.g., “I feel hurt when you…”) instead of blaming statements (“You always…”). Consider a communication workshop.
5. Intimacy and Sex: Keeping the Spark Alive
Physical intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage.
Discussing Your Sexual Expectations
Frequency: How often do you expect to have sex?
Sexual Desires: What are your likes and dislikes?
Intimacy Beyond Sex: What other forms of intimacy are important to you (e.g., cuddling, kissing, holding hands)?
Openness to Discussing Issues: Be comfortable talking about any sexual issues or concerns.
Why it Matters: Sexual dissatisfaction can lead to resentment and infidelity. Open communication about sex is essential for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.
Actionable Tip: Talk openly and honestly about your sexual desires and expectations. Don’t be afraid to experiment and try new things. If you’re experiencing sexual difficulties, consider seeking professional help.
6. Career and Lifestyle: Balancing Work and Life
Your careers and lifestyle choices will impact your marriage.
Aligning Your Career Goals and Lifestyle
Career Ambitions: How important is your career to you? Are you willing to relocate for a job?
Work-Life Balance: How will you balance work and personal life?
Household Responsibilities: Who will do the cooking, cleaning, and laundry?
Leisure Activities: What do you enjoy doing in your free time? Do you have shared hobbies?
Why it Matters: Conflicts over career and lifestyle can lead to stress and resentment. It’s important to have a shared vision for your future.
Actionable Tip: Discuss your career goals and lifestyle preferences. Create a plan for how you will balance work and personal life. Be willing to compromise and support each other’s aspirations.
7. Personal Values and Beliefs: Sharing a Moral Compass
Having similar values and beliefs is essential for a strong and lasting marriage.
Understanding Each Other’s Core Values
Religion: Do you share the same religious beliefs? How will you raise your children religiously?
Politics: Do you have similar political views?
Morality: What are your core moral values? What is important to you?
Ethics: How do you approach ethical dilemmas?
Why it Matters: Differing values can lead to conflict and a sense of disconnect. Shared values provide a foundation for mutual respect and understanding.
Actionable Tip: Discuss your values and beliefs openly and honestly. Be respectful of each other’s perspectives, even if you disagree. Find common ground and focus on the values you share.
8. Independence and Personal Growth: Maintaining Your Individuality
Marriage is about becoming a team, but it’s also important to maintain your individuality.
Supporting Each Other’s Personal Growth
Hobbies and Interests: Continue to pursue your individual hobbies and interests.
Friendships: Maintain your friendships.
Personal Space: Respect each other’s need for personal space and alone time.
Self-Care: Take care of your physical and mental health.
Why it Matters: Losing your individuality in a marriage can lead to resentment and a sense of suffocation. Maintaining your independence allows you to grow as individuals and bring new perspectives to the relationship.
Actionable Tip: Encourage each other to pursue your individual interests. Make time for yourself and your friends. Respect each other’s need for personal space.
9. The “What If” Scenario: Pre-nuptial Agreements and Legal Considerations
While it’s not romantic, it’s wise to consider the legal implications of marriage.
Planning for the Unexpected
Pre-nuptial Agreement: Discuss whether or not you want a pre-nuptial agreement. (See https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/prenuptial_agreement for more information on prenuptial agreements)
Estate Planning: Consider updating your wills and estate plans.
Insurance: Review your insurance policies.
Legal Rights: Understand your legal rights and responsibilities as a married couple.
Why it Matters: Planning for the unexpected can protect you financially in the event of a divorce or death.
Actionable Tip