Don’t Say “I Do” Until You’ve Done These 9 Things! (Marriage Sanity Checklist)
So, you’re getting married! Congratulations! You’re probably knee-deep in wedding planning – picking flowers, tasting cakes, and figuring out seating charts. But before you walk down that aisle, there are some really important things you need to sort out that have nothing to do with tablecloths and everything to do with a happy, lasting marriage. This isn’t about killing the romance; it’s about building a solid foundation. Think of it as marriage insurance!
This checklist will help you cover all the bases before you say “I do.”
1. Money Talks: Get Financially Naked
Money is a HUGE source of stress in many marriages. Don’t be one of those couples! Before you tie the knot, you need to have an open and honest conversation about your finances. This isn’t about judging each other; it’s about understanding each other’s financial habits and planning for the future.
Your Financial History
Credit Scores: Know each other’s credit scores. A low credit score can impact things like getting a mortgage or a car loan. You can get a free credit report from websites like AnnualCreditReport.com (a U.S. government-authorized website).
Debt: Be transparent about all debt – student loans, credit card debt, car loans, everything! Hiding debt is a recipe for disaster. Be upfront.
Spending Habits: Are you a spender or a saver? Do you impulse buy? Understanding each other’s spending habits is crucial.
Financial Goals: What are your financial goals? Buying a house? Traveling? Saving for retirement? Make sure your goals align.
Creating a Budget Together
Shared vs. Separate Accounts: Decide if you’ll have shared accounts, separate accounts, or a combination of both. There’s no right or wrong answer – it depends on what works best for you.
Budgeting System: Choose a budgeting system that you both agree on. There are tons of apps and tools available, like Mint, YNAB (You Need a Budget), and Personal Capital.
Regular Budget Reviews: Schedule regular budget reviews to track your progress and make adjustments as needed.
Why is this important? Transparency about finances builds trust and avoids future arguments. It also allows you to plan for your future together effectively. No surprises!
2. Family Matters: Understanding the In-Laws
Your partner comes with a family. And that family will become your family. Understanding your partner’s family dynamics is crucial for navigating holidays, celebrations, and potential conflicts.
Meeting the Family (Beyond the Surface)
Observe Interactions: Pay attention to how your partner interacts with their family members. This will give you insights into their relationships.
Ask Questions: Ask your partner about their family history, traditions, and values.
Spend Time Together: Spend time with the family in different settings – holidays, dinners, casual get-togethers.
Setting Boundaries
Discuss Expectations: Talk to your partner about expectations regarding family involvement. How often will you visit? How much input will they have in your decisions?
Establish Boundaries: Set clear boundaries with your in-laws. This is important for maintaining your independence and preventing conflicts.
Support Each Other: Support each other in enforcing those boundaries. This is a team effort.
Why is this important? Healthy relationships with in-laws can enrich your marriage. Understanding their dynamics and setting boundaries will help you navigate potential challenges.
3. The Big Stuff: Kids, Career, and Where to Live
These are the big life decisions that can significantly impact your marriage. You need to be on the same page about these things before you say “I do.”
Kids: To Have or Not to Have?
Discuss Your Desires: Do you want kids? How many? When? These are fundamental questions that need to be answered.
Parenting Styles: Discuss your parenting styles. How will you discipline your children? What values will you instill in them?
Division of Labor: How will you divide childcare responsibilities? Will one of you stay home? Will you use daycare?
Career: Balancing Work and Life
Career Goals: Understand each other’s career goals and ambitions.
Work-Life Balance: How will you balance work and life? What sacrifices are you willing to make for your career?
Relocation: Are you willing to relocate for a job opportunity?
Location, Location, Location
Where to Live: Where do you want to live? City, suburbs, country?
Living Arrangements: Do you want to buy a house? Rent an apartment?
Future Plans: Do you plan to stay in the same location long-term?
Why is this important? Disagreements about these major life decisions can lead to significant conflict and resentment. Being on the same page (or at least understanding each other’s perspectives) will help you navigate these challenges as a team.
4. Communication is Key: Learn to Talk (and Listen)
Communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. You need to be able to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, even when it’s difficult.
Active Listening
Pay Attention: Give your partner your full attention when they’re talking. Put down your phone, turn off the TV, and make eye contact.
Reflect: Reflect on what your partner is saying to ensure you understand them correctly. “So, what I’m hearing is…”
Empathize: Try to understand your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with them.
Honest Communication
Express Yourself: Be honest about your feelings and needs. Don’t bottle things up.
Use “I” Statements: Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”
Be Respectful: Even when you’re disagreeing, be respectful of your partner’s feelings.
Conflict Resolution
Learn to Compromise: Marriage is about compromise. Be willing to meet your partner halfway.
Take Breaks: If you’re getting too heated, take a break and come back to the conversation later.
Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling to communicate effectively, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor.
Why is this important? Effective communication is essential for resolving conflicts, building intimacy, and maintaining a healthy relationship.
5. Intimacy and Expectations: Get on the Same Page (Literally)
Intimacy is more than just sex. It’s about emotional connection, physical affection, and shared experiences.
Discuss Your Needs and Desires
Physical Intimacy: Talk about your needs and desires regarding physical intimacy. How often do you want to have sex? What are your turn-ons and turn-offs?
Emotional Intimacy: Discuss your needs for emotional intimacy. How do you like to be shown affection? What makes you feel loved and appreciated?
Shared Activities: Talk about activities you enjoy doing together. What hobbies do you share? What new experiences do you want to try?
Understanding Each Other’s Love Languages
Words of Affirmation: Do you feel loved when your partner tells you they appreciate you?
Acts of Service: Do you feel loved when your partner does things for you, like making you dinner or running errands?
Receiving Gifts: Do you feel loved when your partner gives you gifts?
Quality Time: Do you feel loved when your partner spends quality time with you, giving you their undivided attention?
Physical Touch: Do you feel loved when your partner touches you, like holding your hand or giving you a hug?
Why is this important? Understanding each other’s needs and desires regarding intimacy will help you build a strong and fulfilling relationship.
6. Personal Growth: Don’t Lose Yourself
Marriage is about growing together, but it’s also about maintaining your individuality.
Maintain Your Hobbies and Interests
Make Time for Yourself: Carve out time for your hobbies and interests, even when you’re busy.
Encourage Each Other: Encourage each other to pursue your passions.
Support Each Other’s Goals: Support each other’s personal and professional goals.
Maintain Your Friendships
Stay Connected: Stay connected with your friends, even after you get married.
Make Time for Friendships: Make time for social activities with your friends.
Encourage Social Connections: Encourage each other to maintain your friendships.
Why is this important? Maintaining your individuality will prevent you from feeling like you’ve lost yourself in the marriage. It will also keep your relationship fresh and exciting.
7. Legal Matters: Pre-nups and Estate Planning (The Not-So-Romantic Stuff)
Okay, this isn’t the most romantic topic, but it’s important to protect yourself